Well, who’d have ever thought it, I’ve been single and celibate out of choice for 2 ½ years now. Blige! I passed another landmark on 31st December 2013, and it made me think, OK so does that mean I’m now ‘available’. Um, honestly I’m not sure…..
I often get asked about my love life (or my sex life) by friends and family who all seem to be keenly waiting for me to ‘meet someone’ in order that I will be happy. Nice.
Question: Am I a bad person for having a major problem with this line of questioning? Am I just being over sensitive about the implication that my nearest and dearest perceive me as unhappy lonely, inferior, suffering from an affliction, incomplete or any number of other negative assumptions on the basis that I’m single?
OK so that was two questions. But they were kind of the same thing….
Gah! A big part of my personal growth over the last couple years has come as a direct result of forcing myself to be single. Yes I said forcing myself.
It’s not easy at times. Actually if I’m honest, that’s a bleedin’ understatement. One time I charged out of the house, went and sat on a bench in the park at night and just cried and cried with the agony of a raging inner battle – one side tempting me to break my commitment for the sake of an immediate ‘fix’ (who was lushness on legs!), and on the other side, the very painful and still-so-close awareness of having lived the last decade in the wake of some disastrous relationship decisions I’ve promised myself I won’t repeat!
So, my ‘Good Parent’ tells me it’s healthy for me to commit to this time of singleness and celibacy instead of yielding to offers of short-term gratification. My ‘Good Parent’ tells me I want to eliminate the interference, clutter and dirt of unhealthy relationships and look to Jesus as a role model of ‘how to do relationships well’. Quite a challenge, but Little Miss Fiercely Stubborn here will jolly well keep the commitment.
It’s kind of like taking medicine even though it tastes yuk…
I know this refiner’s fire is good for me because of all the impurities rising to the surface. It’s hard, it’s painful. But for the sake of reaching a place of brutal-but-authentic honesty between myself and God, I need and want to learn how to do two things:
1) to honour myself and my body
2) to have healthy relationships
Yes, one day it might be ‘nice’ to meet a guy that I can connect with, who I can walk my journey with, who shares my passion for God and music and fitness and the ridiculous. Who doesn’t mind my weirdness. In fact quite likes it. Who can handle my bluntness and wrath and drive and black-and-whiteness and withdrawnness and darkness and inappropriateness without acting like I’ve castrated him and served his knackers on a platter. I’ve never met anyone like that, so I’ll have to cross that bridge if and when I ever come to it.
And that will be a WHOLE ‘nother adventure in “OMG how do I relate to a guy intimately without going down my usual ‘safe’ routes”….. d’ya see what I’m sayin’ 😉
So to all my adorable but desperately patronising friends who are poised for the nod to ‘buy a hat’ – I say, hold your darn horses. Let me grieve. Let me detox. Let me breath. Let me grow. Let me blossom. Let me learn. But most of all just let me be.